Purity Stained By My Love
by Starflow
Summary: First attempt at an M-rated fic. This is pretty much a fluffy story, SxS, Seishirou-san analyzing - but mostly just having fun. Rated for graphic yaoi. One shot.


Origin: X 1999

Disclaimer: X, Tokyo Babylon and these lovely characters are all property of CLAMP. I have nothing to do with them, I'm just a fan and a fanfic author like the rest of you.

Genre: Romance & angst. Seishirou-san's point of view so it's bound to be mixed. This is mostly romance.

Rating: R. For the first time in my life, I succeeded in writing an R-rated fanfic. This calls for a celebration... Well, I rated it solely for yaoi. This has graphic yaoi in it. You have been warned. SxS yaoi. Enjoy it if possible. The story is Seishirou-san analyzing – but mostly just having fun.

Author's notes and summary: This is it, then. No going back. I wrote an R-rated fic. I don't know how well I did, but I tried to make it pretty nice and hot. Hey what else can you do, if you choose to write from within Seishirou-san's head? So, in case you read my Beloved Pain fic, you might link this to it. There aren't much similarities though, not to mention that this takes place during X, and in the other one Subaru and Seishirou-san were not seeing each other at that time. This is shorter too, and it basically deals with a single night, not a long period of time. How should I say... This whole story is a love scene? I wanted to write something like this for once, something without a long and complicated story, something bittersweet. Read and review it, if you would. The meaning of this fic is simply training – I'm practising for a bigger fic with an actual story, and I need to learn to write R first.

--Purity Stained By My Love--

by Starflow

---

"You look beautiful", I hear myself say, as you open the door for me, looking at me with your desperately true eyes. There is no secrecy in them, I can read you like an open book. They're telling me to stop the charade, to hold you, take you down... I take off my sunglasses and let my eyes wander your clothed body. "Beautiful, dressed like that, Subaru-kun..."

You say nothing. I don't need to finish the compliment – you already know I am likely to add, that you're even more beautiful without those clothes. Closing the door after letting me in, you offer to take my long black coat off. I smile at you, knowing that I'm in control, and I let you take it. As you indulge in hanging it up, I lean against the wall, watching you bow down and reach up, cleaning my coat of any possible dust. After a while, you say to the coat, stopping your hand on one particular spot:

"Please tell me this is not what I think it is."

"Are you referring to the red liquid?" I smirk, silently admiring your beauty. "I'd say even you can recognise it, Subaru-kun."

"Whose is it?" the question leaves your lips like a heavy sigh, but I laugh at it. Turning to look at me, you shake your head and let the coat be. "Seishirou-san, I –"

I take out a Mild Seven cigarette and look at you, requesting fire for it. You take out a lighter and walk up to me, lighting my cigarette, and you stand there before me, until I blow the smoke on your pale face.

"Seishirou-san –"

"Stop looking at me like that", I smile, leaning my head to the left. Your eyes are shining with tears, I can see them in the inclined light. "You're making me want to rush into something." Lifting my hand up to caress your face I let you see the desire in my eyes.

A smile of irony twists your lips. I wonder if you've learned it from me, during our years of hide and seek. You sit down on the bed and light a cigarette of your own, and then you ask me:

"Isn't it the reason you came here? That something you're referring to."

"What do you think?" my answer lingers in the air, as we both stay still for a moment. Smoke emerges and fades with our breaths and the moonlight makes your pale skin look enticing, reaching the depths of my good eye, and you who look in shiver. I find myself thinking about how much I actually want you. You sit there gazing at me with those beautiful emeralds you have as eyes, and I realise that I have missed you. It's been a long time since I last visited you like this, or at least it seems that way. We both have our own business to take care of – ironically enough, you fight for the world and all I want is to see what happens, ready to annihilate anyone in my way. Your purity is bright white and seductive, it makes me want to do incredible things and it keeps bringing me back here to you. I want to protect you from everything, just hold you in my arms and drown my thirst in the bright water that is your purity, and another side of me wants you dead. Both of them have desires that only you can fulfil, and I want you, I want you so bad it blinds me. That is why I keep coming here. That is the reason. That, and still it is actually so much more complicated.

Time passes in silence, I finish my cigarette. Putting it out I take a few steps to approach you.

"Wait", is what I hear you say when I bow down to press my mouth against your lips. Letting my lips hover close to yours, not quite touching, I do. You put out your cigarette and wrap your arms around my neck. Slowly, gently, possessively I press you on the bed and run my fingers through your hair.

"Whatever convinced you to cut this hair", I whisper, inhaling your sweet fear, mixed with desire. "I am starting to prefer this to the previous cut." Like in a ritual of some kind, I press my lips on yours, and you let me do it. Not kissing me back yet, you hesitate. Your hold of me is firm and even through the layers of clothing between us I can feel your excitement. Still, you try to resist it.

"I'm expecting a phone call", you answer my unspoken question. My smile makes you shiver again. "Kamui said... He said he was going to call me tonight and..." The rest of your excuses are drowned by your own groaning, as I push your lips open with my tongue and force you to focus on me.

You don't say anything for a while. Slowly, you give in. Your slender white fingers move to my tie, undoing it and helping me take the jacket of my suit off. You open a few buttons of my shirt, but are stopped by me. I open your shirt all the way through and hold your arms down. As I leave your lips to advance to your neck and chest, you finally get another sentence out:

"Stop...that. I'm expecting a phone call."

"Oh you can take it, I'm not going to stop you from answering", I laugh, undoing your belt. You make a surprised sound as I free you of your trousers. You let me go on, and I start working my way up your leg to your thigh. Everything about you screams the exact opposite of your powerless plea.

"You don't... Do that often", I hear you say, breathlessly resisting the heat, but letting out a suffocated yelp as I move my hands and lips along your skin. Your body trembles at my touch and I can sense that you've been missing me.

"Would you rather have me do you and leave? With no regard of your enjoyment?" I already know what the answer is, but I stop for a while, brushing my lips against your thigh and looking into your eyes. They flash and I give a laugh. "I didn't think so."

You reach out to me, begging for another kiss. With a smile on my lips I let my hand caress you as I grant your wish. When the connection between our lips is broken, you gasp and I move back down.

"Seishirou...san..."

I don't even bother to look up at you, just asking you what it is this time. And you wheeze, grasping my hair with your fingers:

"The...phone...it's ringing..."

"Like I said, you can take the call" is my answer, spoken from below your waistline.

"Stop...that..."

I do. And your grasp of my hair tightens. I give another laugh and you scream in frustration:

"No – I – changed my mind –"

"You should know that I might get sick of your mood swings", I grin, but as you hold my hair, I do as you wish and go on with it. Trying to keep yourself under control, you hiss:

"Don't make a sound..." Your words melt into a silent groan again, as I slide my tongue up your skin.

"I can control myself", my answer is made with my lips against the skin on your privates. "The question is..." I start while you pick up the phone, "...can you?" The way you take a sharp breath while answering the phone proves me right. This should be interesting.

"Sumeragi", I hear you say on the phone. You quiver and bite your lower lip as I, with no intention of waiting until your phone call is through, take you in. It amuses me to watch you squirm around, trying to keep yourself from screaming out loud. Already harder than you should be... You are sweet, having missed me at least as much as I have missed you. "...I see..." Your fingers squeeze around my hair and the faint pain makes me excited. I keep working on you, as you try to focus on your conversation. "...No, it's...all good now..." I can't help letting out a very silent sound of laughter. You are impressive. Still struggling, even though I have been doing my best to get you into a difficult situation. Your way of speaking is so incredibly tense that I cannot believe even your friends to be naive enough not to notice. Your voice is high and it's as if you can't breathe, you pause a lot and your sentences are cut short. I decide to try one more thing, and if it doesn't make you blow your cover, you're in for a long night... Pressing my tongue on a certain single spot, holding it there, slowly working with my hands – I know exactly what to do to make it happen for you. "No!" you scream to your friend, grasping my hair even tighter if possible. "Do – not – come – over –"

You press the button and the call is cut off with a bleep. Screaming my name you finally give in.

As I move back to your lips, you shiver slightly. You can taste yourself in my kiss and it makes you squirm. I feel liquids dripping down my chin. Unable to breathe, speak, act, you let me kiss you and open your mouth wider for me. And I make the most of it. Eventually, you regain your strength and are willing to go again.

"Why did you have to do that, just now?" you ask, taking off my shirt.

"Don't you think it could arouse me to watch you trying not to come while you're on the phone?"

"You will pay for that", is your answer, slowly undoing my belt. "I'll refuse to do the same for you tonight."

"I wasn't going to ask anyway." I help you with the rest of my clothing. As we both lie here naked, I slide my fingers from your chest to your lips and ask you: "Are you ready?"

"Yeah." You take my hand and kiss my fingertips. With the sweetest smile ever to have lit up your face, you whisper: "Do it."

"You make me sound like a rapist", I laugh, pulling you closer and kissing you. You kiss me back and answer me:

"Prove me wrong. Again. And again." With those words, you let me turn you on your stomach. You lie still for a few heartbeats, but then you turn your neck so that you can give me a begging glance. Your eyes are telling me not to hurt you, and much to my surprise, I reach out to kiss you again.

"Relax for me", I mutter to you and you do. Slowly, I slide my hands along your skin. I stop them on your waist and you take a deep breath. Gently, I kiss and lick your skin, caressing you with my fingers. Your heavy breath against the sheets matches my own, even if I have nothing suppressing mine. Time no longer exists. I make love to you and it disappears, as if it never was to begin with. Losing my sense of reality, only seeing and feeling you, I finally do enter you, and you let out a loud groan. "Does it...hurt?"

"No", you shake your head and lean on your elbows. "Just – deeper – I –"

"Lift your hips for me", I gasp, and you relax even more, doing as told. It's my turn to grasp your hair – and I do it, pulling your head back. Your back forms a beautiful, graceful arch. You call out my name as I use my hands to direct your hips higher, to a better position. Eventually I only use one hand for that, taking you into the other one.

"Sei..shi..rou..san..." you pant, and I laugh in your ear, out of breath just like you. "I think – I'm...going to..."

"Not just yet", I hear myself say, hardly seeing anything, small dots of red dancing around in my eyes. "This is only the...beginning..." You scream and spasmodically squeeze your fingers around the edge of the bed.

---

I lie still, and your question startles a part of my heart:

"Is there any other reason for you to come back to me... Besides screwing me?"

I find it impossible to answer that question. Instead, I let you go on with your speech. You sit up and bury your face.

"I love you, and it hurts to be with you like this. You know I love you, and even if it is only pleasure you're after, I can't stop letting you have your way with me."

"You want it just as much as I do", I mutter, pulling you down. I lock my arms around you and hold you against myself, soothing you. My sweet, pure, good Subaru-kun... You rest your head on my chest and I feel a tear dripping down your face, onto my skin. I want to tell you that I don't like seeing you cry, that I don't know myself what it is that really makes me come back. I cannot get any words out, they get stuck in my throat and all I can do is swallow them and press my lips on your head.

"I do", you answer, much to my surprise. You move up my bare chest and bring your lips on mine. Eventually you break it up and sigh, looking me in the eye, toying with my sweaty hair. "Will you be staying the night, Seishirou-san..?"

I blink at the question. We both know I never usually do. Just in special occasions... But then again, that is why I came here, isn't it. Today is special. A sick hope shines in your eyes, it makes me feel bad. I want to get that sadness out of you, even if it is only so that I could cause you pain instead.

"If you're up for it", I say, sniggering, "I might."

"My comrades might show up in the morning", you whisper, as you get off of me, pulling me on top of you instead. Your black hair spreads across the sheets and you have an enticing look in your eyes, even in the almost dark night I can see your delight. "Just to let you know."

"Did I say I cared?" As I accept your invitation, you move my hand on your lips and kiss it. You then smile at me, and I lose it again. You, only you in the whole world... Only you... The only one who can make me feel like this.

Your screams and wheezing breath intoxicate me, I hear nothing else. Scarcely aware of it, I let my voice join in.

---

Why is it that you can look so innocent after this kind of interaction? You sleep in my arms, my beautiful beloved one... Your white body trembling in the cold night, as your sweat has dried up, leaving your skin frigid. I cannot sleep at times like this... I fear that things will get out of control if I do. By falling asleep, I might allow my other self to slit your throat – the same neck that I am used to pressing my lips on. Break a limb or two, having you scream in pain, with a sadistic smile on my lips...

"I could never do that to you", I whisper to the night, realizing that this part of me is weak. The man you are clinging to is weak. Weakened by your purity, your beauty, your mere presence... I inhale your scent and it's killing me. I'm a sinner, dirty and cruel, cold, evil... A creature like you should have nothing to do with me.

Suddenly, as if you could hear my thoughts, you move closer to me. Your hold of me is tight, you're not wanting to let go, even at your sleep. Our legs still lie entangled beneath the sheet covering us and I know I'm immobilized. I cannot move, all I can do is adhere to you tonight. The moon shining in through the windows makes you shiver, and I wrap the sheets better around you. Your head is heavy on my heart, it rests on my chest and for some reason I know you're listening to my heartbeat. Can something as black as my heart bring you peaceful dreams?

"To kill you, crush you, spill your blood", I hear myself whisper, wiping some wet hair off your face. "Things I want to do, Subaru-kun... Ones that I push to the back of my mind, only to find that they return to me when you sleep there, innocent like this..." I loathe myself for wanting you. I don't only want you dead, so that I could forever live with the image of you dying in my arms. I want you alive as well, your body, your soul, your heart, everything about you... It's a neverending stream of emotions with you, making love to you... Fighting you...

The sakura is screaming out for your blood, the way I myself sometimes scream out for your body... It wants you, it needs you, just the same way I do.

"Seishirou-san..?"

I quiver, as you open your eyes for a moment, blinking, looking at me. I know what you're thinking – you cannot believe that I am still here by your side. Holding you. I always leave you alone, that is what I do... What I have to do, in order to walk the path I chose a long time ago. But you, you are a victim of my love... You never wanted anything as horrifying as a bet on your head, shadowing your life. And now you must want me dead, for all that I have done to you. Staining you, depriving you of your sister, mercilessly using you until you have nothing left for me to take away...

"Sleep", I whisper to you, gently embracing you tighter.

"I just..."

"Rest now, Subaru-kun... You will need your strength in the morning, I guarantee it."

With a tired laughter, you fall back to sleep. I am far too aware of your skin against mine... Your body so close to mine, the heat I feel is driving me crazy. I do not feel tired at all – not tonight.

---

Silently laughing in your ear, I let you try and answer to your Kamui, calling for you outside. We sit on the bed, yes, or maybe it could be said that I sit on the bed and you sit on me...

"I'll be there... In a while..." Your voice is high again, as I stay silent like you wanted me to, yet not stopping anything for something as insignificant as your friends.

"Are you sure you're okay, Subaru? You sound", Kamui's worried voice makes me laugh even more. Out of breath, my laughter is quiet and he cannot hear it. You bite my shoulder, and we both know you could come any second now. "Somehow so different."

"Just get lost!" you scream to him, and I can't help uttering a cry of amusement. I press my lips against yours, teasing you, telling you to give in. You, however – even though you fiercely kiss me back, you are not going to let yourself peak just yet. Your nails dig under my skin and your hips on my lap are trembling, as is your whole body. As my smile widens, seeing your current state, I keep working on you. You shout to the boy outside, that innocent-looking and pitiful brat of a Kamui: "I'll be right there!"

"Damn sure you will", I whisper in your ear, shoving you on your back now, in order to use all of my strength. "I... have... been... trying to... get... you... there... for... a while already..."

You pant and groan, the fading steps outside are telling us that your friend bought it. Still not allowing yourself to scream, you bite your own lips and they bleed. To stop you from breaking the sides of your mouth too badly, I kiss you again. Violently, you stick your tongue down my throat in return.

You can't fool me with this. The fact of the matter is that in the end, everyone has to give in. Knowing that, I tense myself inside of you, and you yelp. Eventually everyone has to give in... And simultaneously to me inside of you, you explode in my hand and onto our bodies, screaming my name out to the world.

---

Your footsteps echo in the corridor.

It feels strange to look at you through this window now, from your room, as if we're living some kind of ridiculous love story... Me standing in your window, letting my own darkness shade me from any possible glances of curiosity. It is early yet, you are running off to find those friends of yours... My Kamui wants me to return to my comrades, to stop sleeping with the enemy...

You as somebody's enemy. As my enemy.

I laugh and take my hand through my hair. Purity as bright as yours cannot be hostile... Under the cold morning sun, you shine brighter than before. Maybe it is because I stayed, because I was there when you woke up. Declining your offer of catching the train together – you should have understood that I didn't say I'd be here when you come home this evening. The way you run makes me smile... So happy, so incredibly beautiful. It feels strange to see you smile like that, still. I want to remember this image of you, to lock it up inside my blackened heart, as a flicker of light. There will never be another morning like this, not for me, and not for you either. Even if one of us survives the tides, there will never be another person who causes this kind of emotions. Nobody can do it for me but you – and I am the only one who can do it for you.

Your love for me is pure.

My love for you is dark.

My darkness stains your shining aura, making you bleed, suffer, cry.

And yet...

"The reason why I came here", I say to myself, looking at you. I watch you as you turn left at the corner, lovingly admiring what is my property. Even if you have never heard me say it, I love everything about you and that is why my heart is about to burst, why I need to end it... It is time to seal our bet, Subaru-kun. But the reason I came here... "It was you..."

The sakura is calling out to me. I let it fade in the darkness of my mind, focusing all of my thoughts on the fact that you and I will never do any of this again. As the morning dawns red, I mock the sakura in my heart. I am possessive. I have no intention of letting it have you. Ever.


End file.
